Baby Gift

Within this blog you will see references to baby gifts for our soon to be born boy or girl. This is not a letter asking for your gifts or money, on the contrary, this is an appeal to my friends, family, and all Americans to give my wife and child a warmhearted welcome and acceptance into your life, albeit from a great distance. It’s this great distance not only in spatial terms, but culturally as well, that has alienated my family from all of you, and I am mostly to blame for not bridging that gap prior to the weddings. Therefore, I will provide you with many avenues with which I sincerely hope you will use to express to my wife and unborn the kindest American hospitality the world over knows of so well.

The link to our contact information is located at the top of this website. There you will find our email address, phone numbers, and address should you want to write, call, or send gifts. Also, I have created a baby registry with Amazon located here, http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/baby/1OQVYTPSGW62K. After many painstaking hours on Amazon, I was able to find items that can be shipped to China. Ironically, most of the items that could not be shipped to China were made in China. Again, I’m not asking for gifts, per se, but more so to convey to my wife and child your love and acceptance.

My wife, Jiajia, is expecting with a due of January 13^th (Friday). I had no idea a pregnant woman’s belly is able to expand to the dimensions she is at, as you can see by this image.
We have yet to learn the sex of the child due to the complications of the one-child-per-family policy. In fact, it’s illegal for doctors to divulge this information, even to foreigners. Reason being, a male child will carry on the family name and is more likely to earn more money, which means a better retirement for the parents. With the introduction of ultrasound in the 1980s, many families had aborted their child once the sex was discovered to be female. This has caused an imbalanced ratio of 122:100 boys to girls. By my rough calculations, that translates to nearly 100 million men who will have no chance to marry. As a result, access to ultrasound has become a national security threat in China, requiring two unique keys to access the ultrasound rooms with two or more doctors in attendance while the machines are in use, to reduce the chance of bribery.

I’m slowly discovering the father’s role in China. Pay the bills. In the Chinese hospitals, men are not allowed to be with the wife while visiting the doctor. There is a bold line on the floor with signs above it and to the left and right that read “No Men Beyond This Point!” We must have faith that our wives are relaying the correct information, taking the prescribed treatment, and following all the  pediatrician  instructions. The hospitals take no appointments, they operate on a number system. The doors open at 7am and people stand in line to receive a number to see the doctor. People begin forming lines around 5am and if I’m not there by 8am I won’t get a number. My job has been to get a number, pay the doctor fees, and purchase the prescribed medicine. In the meantime I wait with all the other husbands near the “No Men Allowed” signs. A little FYI – the hospitals are crammed pack and the doctors are working overtime in Beijing. In the past 10 years the population has doubled from 10 million to 20 million, but no new hospitals have been built causing stress for all the hospitals and patients. I really don’t like going to the hospital. After giving birth the child and mother should spend one or two months living at the  mother’s family and one or two months living at the father’s family. It was decided, without my knowledge, that my wife and child would life at my mother-in-laws home for four months and I could visit on occasion if I felt the need. My opposition was countered with a compromise, we get a nanny. So the plan is to have a nanny six hours each day, six days each week, for three months to help with the baby chores, laundry, cooking, and cleaning. I think it’s a waste of money, but it beats the alternative.

Following are many questions that have been asked along with a short response:

1. What will the baby’s nationality be?

• The baby will be Chinese then we might apply for U.S. citizenship in the future, but for now, because we intend to raise the child in China, so the baby will remain Chinese. China does not allow dual citizenship, so it’s one or the other. Once a person renounces his or her Chinese citizenship, it’s virtually impossible to regain it in the future. Therefore, we will thoroughly deliberate before making any decisions.

1. Can I have and will I have more than one child?

• I’m American, I can have as many children as I want, Jiajia is an only child which means we can have two Chinese children. If we want more than two then the others must be American.

1. Will I change my nationality?

• No. I will not renounce my American citizenship.

1. Will Jiajia become a U.S. citizen?

• She has expressed no interest in leaving China, but is willing to move the U.S. if it is the logical course of action.

1. What will the baby’s name be?

• Jiajia is picking the Chinese name and I am choosing the English name. You’ll find out the names once the baby is born. I’m leaning towards Raymond for a boy, but still undecided.

The next blog will answer any other questions you may have, as well as introduce you to our home (renting a “$400,000″ 1 bedroom apartment for $800 per month, can you say bubble?) and I’ll share with you the work that has been occupying my time for the past few months. After that blog, I’ll introduce our new child. Until then, here are some photos from the 4^th wedding in Beijing with friends and Jiajia’s father’s family from Yunnan in Southern China. One final plea, call my wife, email my wife, or send her a gift (wedding or baby gift) to let her know I really do have friends and family in the U.S.A. who care.

Beijing Wedding #4, Table of Friends

Chinese Wedding

Since June 29th of this year I have had 3 weddings and still have one more on July 30th. Weddings in China are nothing like weddings in the United States, they are more like American wedding receptions with meals, toasts, speeches, and socializing. Some modern weddings have the bride and groom dressed up in the traditional western tuxedo and long flowing white dress, and then half way through they change clothes into traditional Chinese wedding attire, and some even change a third time into more casual clothes. Some weddings even have a convoy of five or more rented black Audi cars decorated with balloons and decorative paper. A Saturday morning wedding traditionally indicates it’s the first marriage for both the bride and groom, whereas an evening or Sunday wedding could signify that one or both of the two had been previously married. And of course, there are fireworks involved with traditional weddings. In some cases, the bride’s maids will sneak in and decorate the bride’s home with traditional Chinese wedding decorations. There are many many more rituals that the Chinese do, but I won’t go into it all. I just want to share what I experienced with my weddings.

First, we went to the wedding bureau to obtain our wedding license book, which we each carry somewhat like a passport. Then we had a dinner in Shanghai with Jia Jia’s mother’s family.  At the dinner everyone came in bearing gifts, called a “hongbao” or “red envelope”. They were all stuffed with money, some with large sums of money while others had less. Friends of the family give at least 600 RMB (100 USD) while distant family gives around 1000 RMB (150 USD), and closer family members give 5,000 or more (+800 USD).

The picture here shows all the gifts we received from the Shanghai family dinner, the stacks are 10,000 RMB each, and in all we received a little over 80,000 RMB. The other wedding dinners were about the same and the one on the 30th Jia Jia said we should expect a little more. This really is the only form of gift the Chinese gives for weddings. No wrapped boxes, no online registry, no store registries, just a bunch of little red envelopes stuffed with cash.

During the dinner, Jia Jia and I had to go to each of the attendees and toast them, red wine only was allowed for toasts. Since I don’t drink and Jia Jia is pregnant, we just did a bunch of fake sipping. One uncle was getting mad because our wine glasses kept increasing with wine while everyone else was needing refills. Towards the end he was a little hostile and insistent that I get drunk, but I politely toasted him with my orange juice and said bottoms up. The most difficult part of the wedding dinner in Shanghai was being able to recall everyone’s names. It’s not as simple as aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa. the mother’s brother and father’s brother have different titles and depending on if they are older or younger the names also vary. Eventually, I was able to recall everyone’s name, but I still get Laopo and Waipo mixed up which makes Jia Jia mad, Laopo is “wife” and Waipo is “Grandma”. That mistake is much better than me confusing the two words Hun Li (wedding) and Li Hun (divorce). I asked a couple times that day what time we had to be at the divorce. I got some very ugly looks.

Some of you might have seen on Twitter I was perturbed with the mother-in-law, to say the least. The money in the photo ended up in her purse and she managed to leave the wedding with every last bill. I asked Jia Jia to get the money from her before she got into the taxi, but a little quarrel ensued with her mom laying claim to all the money. Apparently, since she arranged and paid for the dinner and invited her friends and family, she was entitled to all the money. The gifts that the friends and family members gave were just payback from other weddings. It seems, in her eyes, that the wedding couple is not to be the true recipient of the gifts, that it is a means for the elders to pay respect to the other elders. After a day and some lengthy discussion she agreed to hand it over, but only if we paid for the entire dinner, which as we were told was our responsibility. Strangely, the wedding dinner next weekend will be paid wholly by the father of the bride, who said is the parents responsibility. I’ve heard horror stories of other people’s mother-in-law but more or less chuckled, but now, now it’s a different story. Someday, hopefully, we will look back on that wedding night and get a good laugh from the misunderstanding,  but until then I will proceed with caution.

The past few weeks have been pretty hectic preparing for a baby, locating a larger home farther away from the mother-in-law, arranging the fourth wedding, so we decided to take a weekend off from anything stress related. Jia Jia found a coupon online for two $100 USD massages reduced to $10 USD, and I used my soon to expire American Airline miles for a night at the Raffles next to the Forbidden City. That was one of the most relaxing weekends I have ever had. I’ll close this blog post with a photo and couple videos from that weekend. Enjoy…

Relaxing Day

Facial

 

I’m Married

This blog lacks in words but makes up with  many videos and links to photos. First of all, the photo shown here was taken in Shanghai for use in the wedding license that Elva and I both received. There are many more photos located in my Picasa Web Album.

Marriage License Photo

The following content is a list of videos I took during some key moments of the past 3 weeks. Most were taken in Shanghai and a couple in Beijing. If you don’t watch all of them, be sure to check out the automatic mahjong at Elva’s grandparents home. I’ve played the game a couple times while in China, but table launched the game into a new dimension. Too much fun!

The two videos were the most recent take at wedding #3 in Beijing. The term wedding is used very loosely in China, and in fact these weddings were nothing more than a few friends and family getting together for dinner and sharing gifts and laughs. Wedding #3 was mostly Elva’s step-father’s family and friends. Some of the kindest people I have ever met.

Beijing Wedding #3 (Table 1)

Beijing Wedding #3 (Table 2)

Wedding #2 was located in Shanghai near Jing An Temple. The people here were Elva’s good Shanghai classmates and workmates. The similarities between her friends and my Illinois hometown friends is uncanny. Investors, advertisers, computer programmers, lawyers, etc. were all there to wish us a happy future…

Shanghai – Wedding #2 introduction

The people in attendance at wedding #1 in Shanghai were all of Elva’s mother’s family. They treated me like I have been a part of their family for many years. If you look at my Picasa web photos you’ll see a family photo we all took the day after the wedding dinner. They are all great people…
Shanghai – Wedding #1 Diner Family Introduction (1)

Shanghai – Wedding #1 Diner Family Introduction

Shanghai – Wedding #1 Elva Chatting

The bride and groom are required, by traditional Chinese wedding custom, to give gifts to all the people in attendance at the wedding as well as friends and family who are not able to attend. We spent 3 nights sitting around a table putting together little red boxes and stuffing them with candy and stuff. We’re not finished yet, since wedding #4 is still to come. I’m really not looking forward to folding those things…

Shanghai – Making Wedding Gifts

The next two videos are in Elva’s grandparents home. One is playing mahjong and the other is just sitting around the dinner table eating and having a good time. Her entire family excels in cooking, a skill that we both lack in…

Shanghai – Mahjong Table

Shanghai – Dinner at Grandparents

Some tweaks I added to this blog can be found to the left. Family Locations show on a map where my Elva live and work and a couple other locations. The other link is Google Latitude’s link to my most recent phone location. It seems a bit intrusive, but I’ve grown fond of it.

The next blog will explain the differences between American and Chinese weddings. Since there is still one to go, and it will have a good ol’ southern Buddhist twist, I thought hold off and wee what it’s all about. Elva’s father’s family decided to take a trip from Yunnan to visit us in Beijing for a wedding dinner on the 30th. Some of the younger family members have never been to Beijing, so they’re planning a week long tour around the city. This wedding dinner will include some of my friends from China, most of which are students who are students who traveled to other countries to attend college and they are back in town for the summer. I’m really looking forward to this one.

I’m really trying to get this updated weekly, but It’s very difficult considering everything that has been going on lately. busy, busy, busy…

Four Weddings

 A great deal has happened in my life since the last post, most notably of which is that I’m getting married in Shanghai next week. My fiancé, 李佳 (Li Jia) her family and friends call her Jia Jia and her English name is Elva, and I are leaving for Shanghai in 10 hours with her mom and step-dad to get a marriage certificate. I have recently obtained a marriageability affidavit from the U.S. embassy in Beijing, so the first item on agenda is to get it translated into Chinese by a government approved organization. Once translated, we will be able to get the marriage certificate, which will take about two days.

We have two weddings planned in Shanghai, one is with Elva’s mother’s family, and the second wedding will be with Elva’s high school and college classmates. After we return to Beijing, there will be two more weddings, one is for all the friends, family, and coworkers in Beijing, another will be for military and political friends, as it seems her father and other family members have had lifelong affiliations with China’s top brass who want to wish us a successful future. It’s highly likely we will also be traveling to Yunnan for a wedding with Elva’s father’s family, but nothing has been set in stone yet. So much for the small simple wedding that was agreed upon when I proposed. FYI – any family or friends of mine from the state are welcome to attend one or all of the weddings. I abstained from sending invitations due to the logistics and cost of traveling 7,000 miles. I honestly don’t expect anyone to spend an exorbitant amount of money and time on my behalf.  But if you’re interested, my contact information can be found at the top of this blog. I welcome anyone and everyone.

Why Shanghai? In China, every Chinese citizen has a “hukou” or “permanent residence” certificate that the government uses to determine population and control population movement from city to city. Education is free within the boundaries of the hukou, home and business loans are offered at discount from the banks within the boundaries of the hukou, and all government documents, such as passport, driver’s license, and marriage certificates must be obtained from the government officials within the boundaries of the hukou. That’s why we are going to Shanghai.

How it all began… We met last year and dated a couple times after I returned from mom’s funeral, but she said I was too depressing to be around. Then early this year we reconnected and began spending a great deal of time together. She was born in Yunnan to parents who had moved from the city into rural farming areas by order of Chairman Mao. Her mother’s family is from Shanghai and her father’s family is from Kunming, a large city in Yunnan. Her parents wanted her to get a good education so at the age of 10 she was sent to Shanghai to live with her grandparents, where she graduated college in Shanghai with a degree in Chinese language and eventually took a job in Beijing as an editor for an online magazine and lives about a 15 minute walk from her mom.

On one beautiful spring day walking in a park in downtown Beijing Elva told me she is pregnant, then without hesitation I said we must get married. She agreed that was the best decision and the ball started rolling. It lacks in romance and definitely lacks in planning, but so far everything is happening wonderfully with full support from her entire family. I was a little worried when we told her mom, not only was it the first time we met, but she discovered her daughter was marrying a foreigner, and she was to become a grandmother. Her mom sat silent for nearly an hour in glazed shock, but she snapped out of the terror laden thoughts she was consumed with and became a truly pleased and loving lady. Thank God! I really thought we were going to rush her to the hospital. Her family has been pushing her to get married since she is already 31, so everyone is extremely happy.

I’ve since purchased 12 e-books from Amazon and have been studying everything there is to know about pregnancy and raising a child. I started with the book “My Boys Can Swim!” which gave me the confidence I needed to begin reading and researching. Now, if Elva or any family members has a questions, they just ask me, and before we go to the doctor I prepare Elva for the questions she needs to know and then help her understand what the doctor said, since some information can misleading and the Chinese doctors have absolutely no bedside manners. It seems that Elva’s Shanghai residency has turned into a blessing. It’s the only city in China that pays for the entire cost of delivery, provides health insurance for all the children, and gives the parents 12,000 RMB ($2,000) for unexpected costs that may arise. Best of all, the baby does not need to be born in Shanghai to receive these benefits.

I’ll start blogging weekly for anyone who is interested in my new turn of events and will be twittering daily. Feel free to comment, email, or call me anytime of the day or night. This is going to be a fun summer.

Mary Lou Steinkamp

Mom Spring 2009 (Photo by Kayla Chelf)

This blog post is for my friends who are not aware of my mom’s current physical condition. Spring of 2009, just 1 month prior to visiting me in China, mom was diagnosed with leukemia. Her travel plans were diverted from the Great Wall to the St. Louis Siteman Cancer Center  within the Barnes Jewish Hospital. During the spring and summer of 2009 mom received chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant. Her body accepted the new bone marrow and even began producing blood of a different type, the same type as the donors. According the doctors, there should be some side effects and the body should try to reject the new marrow, but mom was not having any adverse reactions the doctors were wanting.

In late July of 2010 mom was admitted into the hospital because 70% of her blood being produced was her own blood and only 30% donor. She should have been producing 100% donor type blood. The diagnosis was that her leukemia had returned. They immediately began chemotherapy treatments with plans of radiation afterwards and then another bone marrow transplant. Unfortunately she has been having complications with her lungs filling with fluid, most likely from a heart attack, liver failure, severe stomach pains,  colon problems, bouts of delusions, and other serious complications. It was concluded her body was unable to withstand the chemotherapy and she should rest and regain strength until the time she is physically capable of completing the treatments.

Mom has opted to leave the hospital and return home under the care of hospice and family. For that reason, I, too, will be returning to the U.S. to spend time with her and help in any way possible. It will be a full house with Grandma coming from Phoenix, mom’s sister coming from the San Jose area, and Pete’s brother, Wayne, who is one of the kindest, caring, and helpful man on the planet. Mom will be in good hands while she gets the rest she has been longing for.

In 1994 mom was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (cancer in the lymph nodes). After undergoing radiation and chemotherapy she was put into remission. It was recently discovered that the chemotherapy during that treatment in 1994 was most likely the cause of her leukemia. Some could argue that treatment was barbaric and unacceptable, but mom is grateful for the extra 16 years of life it has given her, as am I.

Arranging a flight has been very difficult for me. I have a round-trip ticket for October 1st-7th, but getting it transferred to the immediate future is a cumbersome task to say the least. After going to the airport this afternoon, I discovered the American Airlines office hours in Beijing are from 3:30 am to 12:00 pm. I’m told to avoid the ticket transfer fees and cost difference, which can exceed $4,000 altogether, I must arrive at the airport with a letter from the doctor and and my October tickets. But I’m told still there are no guarantees. I’m extremely grateful for Shelia Black who is standing by in Saint Louis to pick me up at the airport.

Located at the top left of this website is a link to some random photos of mom and some of her family members. If you’re family and don’t see your photo, don’t be mad. I have many photos of you and me, but mom has all the photos of you and her.  Also, there are many photos from my recent trip to Shanghai with my ex-girlfriend, Molly. That’s another story for another time. In the mean time, keep my mom in your prayers.